Hard Road
by Zoser
Summary: New Order I and II related. Teal'c's thoughts during the flight to Othalla and O'Neill's thought's on the trip back from Orilla to Earth. Sam/Jack.
1. Chapter 1

**Traveling to Othalla**

Teal'c looked out into the emptiness of space as he thought.

'This would be a long trip indeed if she was already trying to fill the empty spaces with idle chatter and consuming the limited supplies they had brought. She seeks to rid her mind of thoughts of O'Neill while on a mission to save him.'

Teal'c wonders about Major Carter's motivation. Leave no man behind goes just so far. And undoubtedly someone else on this planet or in the galaxy must have the ancient gene. He knew why he was here – O'Neill was his brother and the loyalty he owed him was to his very blood and bones.

Sam went to the back of the Tel'tac to procure for him the unwanted turkey sandwich. When he asked her about Pete Shanahan her response could well have been said about O'Neill. Teal'c thought to himself that women were indeed fickle. At one point in his life he would have said this was certainly not true of Jaffa women. He had believed they were loyal to death but that was before Fro'tak. He understood the need to provide for Ry'ac but it still stung. Major Carter had not promised herself to O'Neill nor had O'Neill staked his claim on her. Perhaps he was mistaken although he though not; these two were meant for one another. Teal'c did not fancy himself a romantic. As the image of Ishta flitted through his mind it occurred to him maybe he was deluding himself. It confused and sadden him that, at least for these two, love proves to be another casualty of this war.

* * *

**Traveling back to Earth**

Jack wanted to get back to the base and a nice hot shower. He was itchy, his skin was pealing, one of the side effects of spending a few months as a Popsicle. He thought too that he had freezer burn around his heart. He felt that same pain he had felt when the ships log informed him of Carter's abduction by Fifth and the disintegration of the Replicator ship. And Daniel, good old Daniel, had to remind him of it, as if he could forget. Forget the pain – accomplish the mission. Yeah he could do that, again and again till there was nothing of him left.

He wished they had left him frozen – no memories, no pain.

Finding her brought its own special distress. He longed to hold her. To have confirmation that she was real, to feel her warmth, he was still so cold. But her CO couldn't do that. She seemed happy to see him. After all hadn't she come after Thor to save him, even endured torture at Fifth's hands? The joy of seeing her alive was soon quashed. The unbidden memory of the other man flooded back. His heart, nearly thawed, felt cracked and shriveled - bad case of freezer burn. It should just be tossed in the trash it was good for nothing. He felt exhausted, his eyes burned, his skin itched and the headache came back full force. He was happy a few hours ago, weapon in hand, fighting the bad guys, saving the damsel in distress. Now, totally drained, he wondered why they just didn't leave him the hell alone.

He sought solitude to lick his wounds. Maybe Thor could refreeze him so he could dream of drifting alone among the stars.

O'Neill looked for a place to hole up and sleep. He found an alcove off the main control room where he could hear if thing got dicey. Thor's ship was not exactly a luxury liner.

Thor wanted to put O'Neill back in the pod. Jack had been thawed much too quickly and was near death when revived. Thor did feel somewhat sorry that they put O'Neill in such jeopardy but it was necessary for the defeat of the insidious Replicators. But Jack begged off he only wants to rest. Lying here he can hear Daniel and Sam talking - tales of Fifth pretending to be Pete and in love with Carter. Poor fool – he's doomed, Jack thinks, not only Fifth but Pete as well. Carter has left wreckage over a wide swath of the Milky Way, not intended mind you but still.

Teal'c looms over him with a blanket in his hand and a turkey sandwich. It gives Jack a start, he is kind of jumpy. The big guy would lend an ear but Jack thanks him, snags the blanket, ignores the sandwich and turns toward the wall. He hopes for sleep; it is the closest thing to oblivion for now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Jack couldn't sleep and the half of the turkey sandwich he choked down was churning in his gut. The big man had left it with a bottle of water and left him in peace but there was none to be found.

He wished love was just bullshit. He wished he didn't have to feel this way. It hurt in his throat and deep in his chest. This illusion that once made him feel so good, warm inside and happy now made him angry and empty. Bright smiling hope crumbled and slipped away. He could mask over most of it but the anger kept seeping through. When he thought she was dead the loss almost broke him. Finding her safe and smiling up at him was so soothing to his troubled soul it took him quite a while before he remembered that she was seeing another man. He carried on, yep, that was him; carry on whatever life throws at you.

He didn't need her to love him, deep down he knew she did – but not enough. Not enough to throw everything else away for him? Would he do it for her? Yes, if only he knew.

Was that the problem? Was she selfish or was he inadequate? Was he being selfish and childish? Had he denied Carter her needs? Were there things he didn't or couldn't give her? Was he holding on to the pain because it was the only part of Carter he had left?

What he wanted, what he really wanted was for her to realize that she loved him. She needed to stop thinking and to allow her other senses to … what …just feel? Right now he wished he could stop thinking and stop feeling.

* * *

Teal'c returned from bringing food to the Colonel and stared out into the void. He seemed unapproachable and Sam hadn't seen so much emotion sparkle in Teal'c's eyes in a long time. It seemed like years but was only months.

Usually Teal'c's eyes were like chips of obsidian –dark and hard but absorbing light rather than reflecting it. His emotions were strictly under check especially in the early years. But it was on the way back from Proklarush as they were reentering Earth's own solar system that Sam remembered Teal'c's eyes. He had returned from the back of the Tel'tac where O'Neill was modifying the rings, his eyes were filled with emotion.

"_He knows." He said simply._

_Carter looked confused. Daniel nodded._

_Teal'c didn't know whether to be angry at her stupidity or to pity the woman._

"_He knows he is lost and alone, lost in his mind, lost within his body and compelled to fight his last battle alone. He is aware he will not taste victory – only death."_

Reflecting on this, Sam didn't know what to do. Should she see what was wrong with the Colonel or let him rest? Sam approached the alcove and saw the inert form draped in a blanket facing the wall. She thought she'd like to sit by him with her back against his, her body against his – so he'd know she was there but not have to say anything if he didn't want to. He wasn't her CO now, not now but as soon as they got to the SGC…things would change back. In her indecisiveness she did nothing.

Jack heard the footsteps approach, hesitate and then retreat. He knew in time his pain, like fleeting hope, would slip through his fingers.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hunger**

Sam turned back to where O'Neill lay and as she turned he was starting to sit up.

"Hey, Sir. How are you feeling?"

Jack looked up somewhat surprised to see her.

"Oh I'm fine. Thor's pod is great and all but I could really stand a shower." O'Neill said as he pulled at his black t-shirt.

Sam grinned.

Jack lifted the half of the turkey sandwich and offered it to her. "Hungry?"

"Not really Sir."

"Good thing. I think these are a little off. I kinda remember a transport of supplies from your cargo ship but there was refrigeration problem... I think I was too late on that."

"I'm more tired than hungry."

O'Neill scrabbled to find something to keep the conversation going "Speaking of refrigeration, do you remember the first time Thor hauled us off to visit the Replicators. He raided the base of weapons and food. By the way Hammond was not happy. Thor neglected to refrigerate anything, I guess they have no need, well anyway I went looking for a snack and came across Teal'c and Jonas chowing down on the melting ice cream."

"They never brought me any." Sam sounded put out.

"Sorry about that. I did help them but the best part was when First took his hand out of my head, something I never want to experience again, he probably had Chunky Monkey all over his shoes. Do you need something to eat, Carter?"

That story did nothing to aid Sam's appetite. "Not to worry Sir, Fifth made me some imaginary pancakes that were quite delicious."

"You may have to see Mackenzie when we get back."

"I know there is some Asgard food aboard somewhere."

"Yes, very funny, you told us how tasty you found that, especially the little yellow ones."

"I think the Asgard may have increased the size of their brains at the expense of their taste buds."

"That's not the only thing their missing, Carter."

Sam suppressed a laugh while extending her hand to help the colonel from the floor.

"I wanted to say, Sir, that I'm so happy that Thor could help you."

"Me too."

"Do you remember anything?"

O'Neill inhaled looking off into the distance, his face reflects the pain of slowly losing himself, the terrors of barely making it to the Ancient weapon in time, giving it his all until he was near death and the darkness of the tomb of ice and then awakening to the sharp stab of pain at the thought of her loss. He pushed the pain away. His face brightened as he looked back at her and he asks "We won, right?"

"Yes Sir, you did."

"Where are you off to Major?"

"Thor said there were state rooms."

"I knew that...why didn't I remember"

"It's been quite an eventful ...days...weeks?"

"I've kinda lost track of time myself, and a few other things as well." Jack said as he looked down the hall toward the state rooms. "I was in his computer you'd think I'd remember that."

"Talk about your computer viruses." Sam muttered under her breathe.

Jack took a serious turn. "Look, Carter, it's not that I'm not grateful, I am, but I would not have approved this mission. I would have refused you."

"If I could have asked you, Sir, I wouldn't have needed to ask."

"Don't go confusing me with logic."

They arrive at a state room door and O'Neill about to take his leave. "I do want to thank you for this but you nearly were lost to Fifth. That, sure as hell, wouldn't have been worth it."

"But Sir, we now have the way to eradicate the Replicators."

O'Neill nodded agreement, wished Sam a good night and turned toward another of the rooms, hoping Thor had included showers. He must know but it seemed all of these things he knew were fading away.

This he did know and it was burned deeply into his mind. She had risked all to save him. He had risked her to save all. The Fifth and some of the Replicators had escaped and somehow she had survived, she had survived. Jack felt an overwhelming exhaustion and a deep gnawing hunger but not for food.


End file.
